Dispatch From a Domer: Time for a Game, Mr. President?
Posted by: Baller-in-Chief in Articles(From Zach Hillesland for the New York Times Online)
Lately, and for several reasons, I’ve had Obama on the brain.
Zach Hillesland is a senior on Notre Dame’s basketball team.
(Jeff Lewis/Associated Press)
I have never really paid that much attention to politics. I’ve been more or less blacked out politically speaking for the past eight years. The extent of my political knowledge almost entirely stems from three sources: bits and pieces from HBO’s “Real Time With Bill Maher,” K-Mac’s ramblings on Ron Paul and the Libertarian party, and whatever Kieran (a roommate in his second year of law school) feels like talking about on any given day. I’ll occasionally visit CNN.com or use the New York Times application that I installed on my phone, but I am by no means a political guru.
But let’s get back to President Obama. As I’m sure many of you know by now, a couple of weeks ago President Obama announced that he would deliver the commencement speech at three universities, and that Notre Dame was one of his choices. I’m usually not one for long, ceremonious events, but that announcement made this graduation a must-see event.
We get only three tickets for family and friends, and if I can’t get Bishop D’Arcy’s extras, I’m going to have to resort to selling them to the highest bidder. Of course, I’m only partly kidding. My mom (a k a DiAnn “If the first lady won’t step aside, I’ll gladly be the second” Hillesland-Obama) would cut me off if I didn’t give her the tickets, and without a job that’s something that I cannot afford. But we’ll talk more about that later.
Although I’d love to talk about graduation and I fervently disagree with those who think President Obama should not have been invited to Notre Dame (we’re not all like that, I promise), the real reason I bring up the president is relevant to the Notre Dame basketball team.
As has been well documented, President Obama loves to play basketball. I know he has played pickup with North Carolina, and so I would like to take this time to extend a semiformal invitation for the president to play a game of two-on-two with the Notre Dame seniors (Kyle, Luke Z., Ryan and I will be the only players on campus).
I’ve been thinking extensively on how this could possibly go down. I started with matchups, and since we’ll have five guys, I had to find a way to fairly eliminate one of the seniors. Originally, I thought that it could be the president and me versus Kyle and Ryan, until I realized that if President Obama and Ryan were matched up, it would be too hard to tell them apart (just ignore the height difference). Click on the links and decide for yourself.
Based on the visual evidence, those teams are clearly not going to work, even if President Obama is rocking his signature sweatpants as a differentiator. I ended up going with a President Obama and Big Smoof versus K-Mac and Zach matchup, with Ryan as a sub for Smoof if they really need help.
After settling the little matchup situation, I did next what any self-respecting college student would do and began to research. And like any self-respecting marketing major, I started my research on YouTube. The first video I stumbled across was the “Barack Obama Basketball Mixtape,” and as soon as the title screen popped up anointing him “Barack O-Balla” I knew I had found exactly what I was looking for. Signature sweatpants, check. Good court vision, check. Behind-the-back dribble, check. After watching and studying the video at least a half-dozen times, I came up with the following scouting report:
1. The sweatpants are a decoy. Don’t be fooled into thinking that they will slow him down or impede his movement; he’s still quite nimble and quick.
2. He’s going left (pun slightly intended). But seriously, he shoots lefty, finishes with the left, and he drives with the left. Sit on his left hand (I didn’t want to say force him to go right. I would never suggest that).
3. He’s a pass-first point guard. The first thing on his agenda is to get his teammates involved. I don’t know how this will change in a two-on-two game, but be ready for some Magic-esque dimes.
4. Don’t bring anything weak in the House of Obama. The video clearly shows him going on the defensive, blocking shots like a 6-foot-1 Hasheem Thabeet. Hopefully his elbows aren’t quite as sharp, though.
Now that matchups have been decided and scouting reports filled, it’s time to discuss the stakes. (You didn’t think that was all for just fun and games did you?) President Obama, the following is a list of rewards I would like when my team wins:
1. Include me in a revision of the stimulus package. With hundreds of billions of dollars being thrown around, I don’t think it would be hard to throw me a couple of bones, perhaps in the $55 million range. If the average life expectancy is around 77, I figure that a million dollars a year for the rest of my life should suffice.
2. Job as your personal adviser. If basketball doesn’t work out, I’d like to have a fallback plan. This would really be more like a reward for you, but what can I say, I’m in a generous mood today. That and the fact that my current fallback plan consists of living in the locker room (unless they change the door code). Let’s just call it a win-win.
3. I get to write your N.D. commencement speech. Fireworks. Let’s really give them something to talk about. You can even use the Teleprompter. I know I would.
4. At least consider letting DiAnn move into the White House. She doesn’t like dogs either. Allergic, in fact. Don’t even ask what she did to our dog. (Rest in peace, Kicks.) She requires minimal supervision, can cook a handful of dishes (enough for a two-week rotation), and gets along with everyone, so you won’t have to worry about potential friction with the first lady. You also have to let Haley (sister) move in if she can’t make a college choice.
In the odd chance that you would win, as your reward, you could choose any of the following options above, or combine them to find the perfect mix. I look forward to seeing you in May.
This is probably my last entry, and I would just like to thank everyone who has been a part of my experience. In case President Obama doesn’t follow through with my list of demands, I’m receptive to any job offers, straight-up money transfers, questions, or if you have something for DiAnn to do. And don’t forget to tune in Tuesday night to watch us take on Penn State in the N.I.T. semifinals.
Thanks,
Zach
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